OCD

I once thought you were my friend
My only comfort.
My only certainty.
In a world that posed only
questions, loss, fear.
waiting,
only a step away from the forefront of my mind
and I’d follow you wherever
Spellbound.
And I’d follow you without question,
because without you I was blind.

I once thought you were my friend
that you were part of my interconnected
brain mania
1 of 5 jars on a shelf
Containing each of my darkest troubles
If I picked you up, if I opened you
and stared at you
tried to understand you
tried to conquer you,
The whole shelf would fall
exposing me
shattering each fragment of stability
spreading the contents of each jar
across my mind
through my body
seeping out into the world
exposing me
displaying what was inside
shattering the exterior I had worked so hard to cultivate
The me I had worked so hard to hide:


2 hours in the kitchen.
Not cooking,
Never cooking,
Only checking
Always checking.

Open the fridge
Close the fridge.
Open the freezer
Close the freezer.
Check the doors check the doors check the doors.
Lean against them with all my weight, just in case.
Just in case.

The plugs
They’re turned off.
Brush my fingers across the switches, just in case.
Just in case.
3 times, 4 times.
Check the plugs check the plugs check the plugs.

The taps
They’re turned off.
hold the handle, turn it tighter turn it tighter turn it tighter, just in case.
Just in case.

Did I check the plugs?

Return the plugs.
With their 2 distinct, definite states.
They are one thing, or another.
Only two options:
on/off.
Brush my fingers across the switches.
3 times, 4 times.
Check the plugs check the plugs check the plugs
3 times, 4 times. Just in case.
Just in case.

Go to the door
Unlock it, lock it
Unlock it, lock it.
Unlock it, open it, lock it.
Check the door check the door check the door.
Push the handle, lean against it with all my weight, just in case.
Just in case.

More plugs.
Brush my fingers across the switches.
3 times, 4 times, and again, just in case.

The oven.
It’s power humbles me so. I spend most of my time here, on my cycle, on my journey around and around the kitchen.
Studying each gas ring carefully, opening the oven door.
it’s cold.
I can see each separate facet is switched off
I can always see.
I can always see it’s switched off, here, now.
But seeing is never enough.
I run my hands over the controls, just in case.
Just in case.
3 times, 4 times, 5 times, 9 times.
Check the oven check the oven check the oven.

The oven leads me to the kitchen door
To the promise of freedom
The exit from this everlasting cycle.
But I can never pass the threshold.
Sometimes the threshold extends one step, two steps into the living room,

but I always return.

1 second’s doubt and I’m back in
Back at the fridge, at the plugs, at the door, at the oven.

And again, and again, and again and again.

It’s 2am.
I want to sleep.
I’m too tired to check anymore.
I have no faith in my own system
No memory, or is it no belief in the memory of the things I have checked 14 times over?

I call out.

Please, someone let me out of this cycle, of this mess.

Free me, friend, free me.

I am tired, I am broken.
I am stuck here with you, my friend, but I am alone.

I just want it to end.
It’s as if someone else is in control of my body,
and yet I think I have the power to stop the actions.
Someday, somehow.
But when the actions stop
All that’s left are the thoughts.
So I continue the actions, just in case.
Just in case.
This perpetuating, everlasting cycle
That keeps me at it’s mercy
Keeps me defeated.

I used to think you were my friend.
I used to think of you as a separate entity, always by my side
but somehow part of me.

I used to think you were my friend.
Always there,
controlling my freedom, my thoughts, my path.

I once thought you were my friend
waiting in the darkness
with that wily, teasing, temptress smile
always a step away
a step away
like a silky beckoning hand on a dark night
you held me, gripped me tight
teasing me
tricking me into following you along that silent trail
you tangled me into your web, into your coil
waiting to pounce when I was at my weakest
when I had lost control.

I used to think you were my friend
And if I could keep hold of you, friend.
Maybe I could keep hold of her, of him, of them
Maybe I wouldn’t be so alone.